You are viewing psychotropek

beneath the amanitas?

Going to San Francisco is always nice for the change, but I'm really finding working from a hotel room is bloody lonely. I try cafes and stuff but it still doesn't feel quite right. I got to see Shaomei and Ben, though, and one-month-old April! She has the same spiky hair I used to (and sort of still do). Also had lunch with Ion which is always thoughtful. Fed my Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Bali Blue Moon addiction. Ummmmmm.

After that I had a week off including some time in Vancouver. Bella Gelateria is quite amazing. Lots of walking, exploring UBC and accidentally finding a clothing-optional beach, walking across the Granville Bridge, enjoying patisseries and of course John's company. Then I turned into goo and played Tales of Xillia and ran errands. The weekend was my birthday party with cake, Turkish food, board games, and hanging out (my yearly Thunderstone!). Sunday was Sarah's FATE game with Neal, Zarth, Gavin, and Angela. Angela I hadn't met before and she seems like good people.

This weekend is Tim's GRGBACE and more of Sarah's FATE game. In the meantime I'm a tired mareep this week, didn't sleep well Sunday or Monday night.


Jul. 31st, 2014

It still disturbs me that a few days of gloom will sap my body of energy. We had an odd mid-sixties snap of gloom and rain, rare for July in Seattle.

Drakengard 3 is weird. Nothing quite like it. I am speeding towards the ending, then...want to finish it before I go to SF on Sunday. I would recommend it to weird people who don't mind a constant stream of single entendres or evil camera angles.

Work is all right. Getting plenty done but there's always plenty more...

My voice tires easily. My singing teacher has noticed several irregularities with my voice, so she suggested getting an ENT to look at my vocal cords to see if it's something we should work around (as opposed to pushing through). My technique is supposedly okay but the sound is still very spectrally weak, if that makes any sense.


gloom is rafflesia

I love Canada, whose mascot seems to be Canada. I love their West Coast (also Montreal), anyway, with its mixed-height buildings. John and I went to Victoria last weekend and woke up stupid early to take the Clipper. Cue walking eight miles and amazing flowers at the Butchart Gardens. Also went to Murchie's, now they have another fan. The next day we walked around the downtown some more, found cafes, bought tea and coffee to take home from Murchie's, and popped macarons and chocolate mousse. Probably another six miles of walking, that. Our boat home was delayed so I crashed as soon as I got home.

I've found out how my body reacts to Effexor gastrointestinally is odd. When I get hungry, I get this odd bloated feeling that makes me really not want to eat, despite being hungry. Have to tell myself it will be worth it, and have to address the hunger just when it comes up. Second, I am having trouble processing fiber. I get mad gas with the fiber infusions I'm used to eating and feel bloated (the same as when I'm hungry, except there's actual gas in there). So I'm going off fiber for now and then I will reintroduce it bit by bit to see what I can tolerate.

Performance review went better than expected, and I got two days of discretionary leave! I've been getting lots of work done the past week, after working very slowly for months. Thanks Effexor?
It's mega gloomy out, raining and dark in July. I thought it wasn't supposed to rain here in July!

Jul. 14th, 2014

Well, the Effexor has been quite effective. I am productive and pretty happy. Yesterday I was heat sick or something though- dizzy and weak most of the day so I had to miss out on a game. I kept drinking cold water, but my existence was not a happy one. It was too darn hot. So we are buying a room AC so there's a room to escape to.

Fireworks at Gasworks Park were lovely. I keep forgetting how long a show it is! Good times with Sara, Sarah, Jeff, Andy, Tim, Jason, and of course John. Listened to med student mobile application quizzes, talked Nintendo, played Mario Kart afterwards. It's pure fun. Sometimes upside down!

The next day we went hiking to Little Si with Jeff, Sara, and Sarah. Penny the Yorkie outhiked me. Chagrin. I had to stop several times to get my breath and more water. Felt pretty wimpy. I guess it's just a different exercise than I am used to.

I've run two sessions of the East Side Persona few-shot. This is going a lot slower than the West Side. Soon I guess I will give them more of a context on where they are. Hope I can finish it by summer's end!

The end of the World Cup was pretty nutty. The Brazil-Germany game just left me gaping at my desk. With a 'this isn't happening' expression. The final was a pretty tense affair and I think the better team won. They said hard work over the past decade and a lot of prep. Yes indeed.

She has head pigeons!

My head has been full of different hoodoo the past month.

I saw a doctor who was concerned about my fatigue and that my old meds might not be useful. So I titrated completely off Lexapro (keeping 300mg/Wellbutrin). The result was sort of a mess. I may have been less tired, but weird things got me to cry twice a day. Said doctor said now that I was off Lexapro to try Effexor. So I started that Tuesday. I hope I respond well and that it prevents anything awful this winter.

I was also in two car accidents in two weeks with two different drivers (everyone was okay both times). After the first accident we got a new Camry, and then I clipped another car dodging someone whose car-front was rolling out and not braking in an uncontrolled marina exit. So we need a new door. Gah.

Singing lessons continue to be good for me. I tried a circle sing which was educational and interesting. I should do that again. I made some recordings for Devin Townsend's Universal Choir and was a bit sad at how thin my voice sounds. I went over that with the voice teacher, but first I need to work on singing through and around my break (notes where chest voice goes to head). Some of it (the clean thin tone) may just be vocal cord anatomy.

I was bad about going to the gym for two weeks, only went in once each week, so am getting back on that and building up the weight again. I was so dizzy for a while (Lexapro withdrawal) that it was difficult, and then I just couldn't muster the willpower.

The World Cup has been great fun and a little stressful cheering for my team. Their run is over but I think they will continue to get better. I'm not sure who to root for now, will just try to enjoy the games.
Anyway, thank goodness I have tomorrow off. Fireworks. Sleep? Hopefully.

it makes your blood run to throw the dice

Dad's rehab is progressing well. He's doing basic calculus. So it seems it's a matter of time before he is okay. Fingers crossed.

We have a mold problem in the boiler room. To the point where the inspector said "oooh, that's nasty." Still unsure what caused the CO problem. We're getting a monitor with actual readout for the future in case something like this happens again.

Practicing violin and singing can be difficult to remember. Tiredness. This having a full time job thing is a bit much to really do art and games. Blah blah same old story.
ReVamp concert was quite fun and the earplugs were marvelous. I only stayed for forty minutes.

Finished The Last Story, now playing Disgaea D2. Cute fun for now. I admit I might break and start playing Drakengard 3 when I get it...or at least once a FAQ is done because sometimes I need help. I applaud all those who write FAQs and goodness knows I don't feel like I have time/energy for it myself. Would rather try to write a game called Rob Ford's Canadian Pharmacy.

We went to IKEA and picked up many household goods. Also dammsugare. Those are very important in our lives. As well as these terrifying marshmallow like foam things coated in chocolate (skumtopp).
My dad is recovering okay, and is out of the hospital having speech and physical rehab. He can speak some short sentences now. He's very smiley and happy, and has been having fun at Mom's expense since before he could talk, so I guess most of his personality is there. I don't know whether his abstract thinking skills have suffered, temporarily or permanently. It's difficult to tell. I can only wait. I talked to him briefly on Skype and filmed some soccer for him (I was at a Sounders game with kiddens). I got very lucky- the Sounders scored while I was filming and the stadium went crazy.

My violin is out of the shop now. I picked it up yesterday for the first time in two and a half years. I can get most of the notes reasonably, but a little practice each day should help shake the rust off. My vibrato is really awful, so I'll have to redo it, and it was a bit suspect even when I was playing the most. I have music, but no music stand! Whoops. I bet Dusty Strings has one, though.

I am getting better, but it's still a sine wave. For example, today I felt cruddy in the morning, perked up for a while, didn't have the wherewithal to get lunch at 1230, so ate a granola bar to tide myself over. I was able to run some errands over the weekend, and still play. This week I have a float scheduled and also the beginning of a metal concert: I'll be going to the ReVamp part. I tested the custom earplugs at the soccer game, and they were excellent.

Also Sunday the carbon monoxide alarm went off. Fire department came, there was indeed CO, but so far there's no obvious culprit. The highest concentration was in the boiler room, which is tiny and apparently insufficiently ventilated. Nothing wrong with boiler though, so we're okay for the short term. Landlord is having someone come and check on it. Also we have black deathmold in there. So that took a few hours and was a bit scary.

I want to see symmetry in love

Last week was pretty rough. I had little motivation/togetherness for several days, and then Friday was a good day, with some bad news at the end.

My dad fell down the stairs and sustained a concussion five or six weeks ago. He was recovering okay, when he started losing his balance and seeming very out of it last week. My family took him to the hospital where they found blood in the brain where it shouldn't be (chronic hematoma are the words they used, since it took a long time with incremental effect), so they operated. Surgery supposedly went well, but then my dad stopped talking. The doctors hooked him up to an EEG overnight to find he was suffering seizures. He's been on some anti-seizure medication for the past few days. I am told it will all be okay and he will need some physical therapy, but the brain is voodoo, and it's still a waiting game. There's nothing I can do.

I started out okay but I am getting more worried as my push-it-away mental facilities get more depleted. I'm lightly distracting myself with work and socializing and music, but there's the helpless feelings and all the worries about what this may mean for the future. I have tried to use mindfulness techniques to not wring my hands about the future, but my mind drifts to how he is suffering now. Concentrating only on myself and my own experience seems selfish and futile, even if the only experience I can have is my own. The rest of my family seems to be handling it well (Mom is On It, and Johnny is bending the household chores to his will) and seem more worried about me having a breakdown.

I can tell myself to be strong, but that is usually only a temporary fix. His recovery may take a while and have continuous states to deal with. Maybe watching more Pokemon? That helped on a terrible Thursday.


it tears my heart up, it stings my mind

Today I feel exhausted and my stomach and head ache. Yesterday I was also quite tired. It's another 'get through the day' day at worklife. John is out in SF for a few days. He made a pretty sweet music library ripper/organizer script base that I've been using to start merging our libraries in a semi-workable fashion. We're also doing spring cleaning, I'm getting rid of excess plastic cases in the house (3ds games, CDs, etc). Then I organized some yarn.

Acupuncture last Thursday sadly went quite poorly. I was distinctly uncomfortable during the procedure and assured that this was normal for things to feel 'tender', left alone for a while feeling tense, and then when the needles were removed I broke down sobbing. It would be one thing if it had been cathartic, but I just felt emotionally gutted for hours. Plus my ankles hurt in between where the needles were. I'm not going back to that practitioner.

John told me I'd make a good product manager. It gave me the warm fuzzies. This week I want to make progress on The Last Story. All other goals shouldn't be stressful, should be optional. There's that 'should' word again.


Apr. 14th, 2014

Yesterday I got the news that one of the professors here who I worked with recently on a project, will die in a few days. I knew she was having a second round of chemo, but cancer seems so unpredictable these days that I was optimistic. I cried a bunch, because it's the first coworker-I-know who will die while I'm on the job. So I finished Elven Star and Fire Sea and read more fluff to distract myself.

This week is a barrage of appointments it seems. Therapy, acupuncture, massage. At least I'm finishing up with the massage cycle and it does do me a lot of good. My forearms are a mess today, they hurt after sleeping on them, which I find puzzling. My health continues to improve, but I'm still not well yet. I felt randomly dissatisfied this weekend and I didn't know why. It didn't seem deep, just on the surface and annoying.

Perhaps I feel directionless but still feeling overwhelmed with stuff to do, like all the housecleaning and maintenance and self-maintenance and then leisure and singing but there doesn't feel like...doing. I keep telling myself I don't *have* to do things, but I can't let self-maintenance slip no matter how much work it is. Maybe that's what I'm annoyed at. Taking care of my brain and body is lots of work, and what do I get from it? Tenuous sanity. I guess that's whining so I will stop. (John has figured out that I do the 'drive-by emote'.)

All that said, a relaxing weekend, first one at home in a while.